


난 니가 필요해

by Kihyunie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, How Do I Tag, M/M, changki rise, changkyun helps, kihyun is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 21:55:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12374904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: Kihyun wonders when fans screaming their names went from the best sound in the world to simple disruptive noise.





	난 니가 필요해

When did the balance start tipping? Kihyun isn't sure.

  
Maybe when they started pushing them at airports. When they camped in front of the dorm for the first time. When Kihyun couldn’t – can’t – go outside to buy some goddamn toothpaste without being followed. Sometimes, right before a concert starts, his skin begins to crawl with anxiety and then the fans shout, shout, shout. They never shut up. There’s not a single quiet moment to get your shit together right before a show.

  
But maybe that’s too much to ask, anyway. He wanted this. He chose this. He knew what he was getting into, all those years ago, when he sacrificed school, friends, and family for the only dream he had back then.

  
He shouldn’t be asking for quiet moments. The fans’ cheering is his life. _This_ is his life.

  
If only _this_ didn’t mean a constantly sore throat, a headache that never goes away, eternal tiredness that was there for so long it’s a perpetual part of him now. The kind of exhaustion that doesn’t end with a nice meal and a good night’s sleep. Another part of the idol life, where there is no good sleep and rarely nice meals. Everything is harder than he thought it would be as a trainee, even now, over two years after debut.

  
It’s hard for everyone. He sees it in the way Minhyuk hyperventilates sometimes, sees it in Jooheon’s swollen eyes when Kihyun has to wake him up after just two hours of sleep in an actual bed, sees it when Wonho’s motions turn sloppy after endless hours of practice.

  
They are killing themselves for this. And they all think it’s worth it, they all think they should try harder because they got this chance.

  
Sometimes, Kihyun thinks, it goes too far. When Shownu faints in their practice room but later convinces their manager not to make him rest so he won’t miss any new instructions, for example. Or when Kihyun, Wonho, and Hyungwon get into a minor car accent and don’t go to the check up at the hospital to stay on schedule. Sometimes, Kihyun finds Changkyun crying into his pillow because even though _No Mercy_ is over it’s difficult for him to forget.

  
The price is high for a life that leaves you feeling more dead than alive, just to be in the spotlight for a moment, to be admired by teenage girls who pull each other’s hair to see you, to know what it’s like when thousands of people sing your lines back to you.

  
The price is so damn high and sometimes Kihyun wonders how much more he’s willing to pay.

  
It’s been rough lately. But it’s been rough for everyone else too, so he keeps quiet, hides everything behind the impeccable self-confidence that everyone knows and expects of him. That’s easy, something he’s always done, something he thinks is a perk of being him. Liking himself has made it a lot easier to tolerate everything, until now.

  
Without that confidence actually being there, it’s suddenly a lot more difficult to get up early and wake up the others. Kihyun now understands Wonho who is struggling the most under all that pressure. He feels it in the recording studio at the 11th take when his pitch is still off and he sounds whiny even to himself. It makes the others insecure; they don’t know what’s wrong with him. Usually Kihyun is one of the most stable ones. They don’t see him like this often and he wishes he could have kept it that way.

  
At the dorm, he’s too exhausted to cook nowadays. Most of them skip dinner anyway, since they always have to look better for their fans. It’s an easy trade, though, for people who are always tired and get to sleep earlier without dishes waiting to be done.

  
Kihyun is tired now. He wants to close his eyes but he can’t, because the contact lenses will stick like glue to his dry eyes and he won’t be able to wake up again. They have to be on stage soon. Kihyun feels like he’s not quite here, more like floating above his body, not fully existent. He’s so _tired_. His scalp hurts from the hair dye. His feet ache from practice. His stomach is upset because he didn’t eat lunch in exchange for silence.

  
The fans are screaming, screaming, screaming inside the venue.

  
‘Hyung,’ someone says and sits down next to him. ‘There are snacks over there, you know.’

  
It’s Changkyun. There are acne scars on his cheeks, covered up by layers and layers of makeup. Kihyun can still see them, witnesses to Changkyun’s youth. Another sacrifice. Kihyun thinks he grieves Changkyun’s lost teenage life more often than he does himself.

  
‘I know,’ Kihyun says. His throat hurts. He shouldn’t have practiced that damn high note so much yesterday.

  
‘You should eat some,’ Changkyun says and takes Kihyun’s hand.

  
Kihyun thinks the only way to endure this life is because of his members. It’s only manageable because he’s not going through it alone. He knows he has a reason and a right to ache, sees it mirrored back to him six times in only slightly different shapes.

  
Sometimes Kihyun thinks he can only keep going because of the way Changkyun holds his hand.

  
They never put a name to it. Changkyun just crawled into Kihyun’s bed one night and shortly later into his heart. Maybe it’s because they are both uncomplicated. Maybe it’s because Changkyun needed someone to hold him and made Kihyun realise that he needed it, too. It turned into something convenient, something that can take the edge off or calm down. It’s not like they have a shot at anything else that could do that for them.

  
‘I ate something earlier,’ Kihyun says, holds Changkyun’s hand a little tighter.

  
Changkyun only looks at him. Kihyun wonders why he’s even trying to hide anything; his members have known him for years now. They can all tell when someone’s bullshitting their way through the days.

  
‘Do you want to go somewhere else?’

  
Changkyun reads the answer off Kihyun’s face and pulls him up. The other members know not to disturb them when they go to the bathroom together; they have learnt their lesson.

  
The bathroom. The things they have done there by now are unspeakable but what else can you do when there’s always an eye on you otherwise, be it fans or staff. At times, Kihyun’s nervous energy is barely containable, shows itself in puking and trembling, feeling faint, a blurry vision, and Changkyun knows how to turn it into mere anticipation. Other times, Changkyun doesn’t know what to do with himself, where to put his anxiety and the self-doubt, and Kihyun is always there to ground him. Sometimes that means blowing each other, sometimes they just talk.

  
It’s easy. It’s straightforward. It makes sense. Without something steady, Kihyun couldn’t live this fast-paced life. He and Changkyun are each other’s anchors, like all the members are, but with something more.

  
That something more occasionally scares Kihyun. They have to be so careful, got into trouble with their manager more than once, have to pretend that they are just bandmates and like brothers, that they don’t kiss each other sore inside bathroom stalls when one of them is falling apart inside.

  
But it’s always worth it. Kind of like being an idol. At the end of the day, Kihyun still loves their fans.

  
‘I know how hard it is,’ Changkyun says quietly when they’re through the door and takes Kihyun’s face into his hands. ‘We can see you’re struggling lately.’

  
‘I’m sorry.’

  
‘Don’t be. We get it. It will get easier again.’

  
Easier means a little less hard, a little less exhausting, a little less unhealthy, if to a microscopic degree. Mostly that’s enough. Everyone in MONSTA X knows how to fight. It’s why they’re here.

  
‘I know,’ Kihyun says. ‘I’m just tired today.’

  
‘That’s why you should eat. To gain energy.’

  
‘If I eat now I won’t be able to dance properly.’

  
Changkyun sighs because he knows. He always knows. Instead of another answer, he gives Kihyun a kiss.

  
They all sacrificed that, too, the chance to have normal relationships. Hyungwon is struggling away, trying to keep his girlfriend a secret. They have all tried the same thing and mostly failed, and every damn day Kihyun is glad that he doesn’t have to try as hard. Most of the time he can just seek out Changkyun, doesn’t have to keep pent-up frustration and simple desires to himself anymore.

  
‘Stop thinking,’ Changkyun says against Kihyun’s lips. ‘Stop obsessing.’

  
‘I’m not obsessing.’

  
‘Shut up.’

  
Kihyun wants to remind Changkyun that he’s still his hyung, even when they are doing this, but Changkyun kisses him again, more insistently this time. It’s easy to forget about formalities with Changkyun’s body flush against his. It’s easy to forget that every movement hurts when Changkyun redirects Kihyun’s attention so efficiently, so much that he almost feels okay.

  
‘Are you ready for the stage?’ Changkyun asks, running his fingers through Kihyun’s hair. Their stylists won’t be happy with him. ‘Are you ready to sing?’

  
‘Now I am,’ Kihyun says and it’s true. Changkyun squeezes his hand and they go out together.

  
The fans shout, shout, shout. They are chanting ‘MONSTA X’ now, like they always do, before every stage, in every country. They know the lyrics to every song no matter what language they speak. Their fans’ love sounds the same anywhere in the world.

  
Sometimes Kihyun just needs Changkyun to remind him that he loves them all back.

**Author's Note:**

> i love kihyun bye


End file.
